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Recently I watched an ABC documentary about the training methods used to domesticate wild mustang ponies. The documentary
starts with film of traditional horse-breaking -- three cowboys roping, fighting, punishing and dominating the horse until
it finally succumbs. Inefficient and dangerous for horse and rider, say the experts. Forget all you every heard about cowboys
riding a bucking bronco until it is "broken." The more effective way to train a wild horse is the gentle method.
The trainer begins by approaching the horse in a quiet, non-threatening way, letting the animal first get used to the
human smell. Then he begins to touch the horse in an affectionate, rubbing motion that feels good to the animal. He continues
to pet and rub the horse gently, carefully avoiding any threatening gestures. Eventually the animal will become acclimated
to the presence and touch of the trainer, unafraid because the trainer has worked hard to communicate trust in a completely
non-threatening way.
This gentle horse-training process is quicker and more efficient than the old violent methods of domination. It creates
a relationship between horse and human that is more cooperative, converting the horse's will while leaving its spirit intact.
What trainers have discovered about horses also matches what child development researchers know about raising human children.
Children who receive love that is reliable and consistent grow up feeling that they are worthy of love. When they believe
that they will get what they need from their environment they develop a confidence that they can make a difference in the
world. They become healthier and happier.
One of the keys is for parents to give a child loving, dependable attention, especially when the child wants and needs
it. You can't spoil a baby. Babies who received consistent physical affection and response cry less at twelve months. When
a child has experience secure attachment, the effect can be measured into their teens.
The child rearing models that produce happier, more grounded adults are fundamentally nurturing models. A nurturing parent
sets a high priority on open communication and on encouraging independence by listening to the child's point of view as well
as expressing one's own view in verbal give-and-take. Good parenting sets clear standards and models and then expects appropriate,
mature behavior. Good parents are willing to discuss freely what the child is being told to do and how the child's actions
will affect other people. When children are given encouragement, respect, and a listening, responsive parent, they tend better
to exercise self-control and develop a sense of confidence.
Aggressive, "out-of-control" children tend to come from authoritarian upbringings. Researchers bear out the
old maxim -- violence begets violence. When parents resort to spanking and violence for discipline, they are teaching their
children a dangerous lesson. It tells the child you believe that the way to solve problems is with power and physical aggression.
Children of authoritarian parents tend to develop less social competence with peers, to lack spontaneity, and are less likely
to have a strong internal conscience.
The word discipline comes from the same word as disciple. Good discipline is teaching, not punishing. What about the
tantrums of the "terrible two's"? The Brazelton Touchpoints series is the child-rearing gold standard: "It's
not possible to avoid tantrums, so don't try. ...The more involved you are, the longer they will last. It's often wisest
simply to make sure she can't hurt herself and just walk out of the room. ...When she's able to listen, try to let her know
that you understand how hard it is to be two or three and to be unable to make up one's own min. But let her know that she
will learn how and that, meanwhile, it's okay to lose control."
Research shows that children brought up with such care and understanding are better behaved and psychologically happier
than children who have been "controlled" through corporal punishment. Watch how "The Nanny" does it with
the most out-of-control children TV can find. It works.
This nurturing parent model is also good theology. It imitates the gospel message of Jesus that we are God's beloved
children. Jesus came as the incarnation of the loving, healing presence of a compassionate God. The only people he had trouble
with were the ones wanting a more punishing God. Jesus led by being one who served, and he taught us simply to love one another.
Jesus' training method is unconditional love.
Love and gentleness. It works in the natural world; it works in the supernatural world.
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