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Back around 1969 psychologist Rollo May wrote in his now classic book Love and Will "people are doing it more but enjoying
it less." He was commenting on the sexual revolution of the '60's which claimed to liberate love from its shackles of
repression.
It seems to me that one of the great gifts for human joy and meaning has been devalued during the ensuing decades. For
our health and happiness, I'd like to encourage us to reclaim the relationship between sexual intimacy and fidelity.
In popular culture, sex has been devalued as though it were nothing more than an appetite to be fed or an entertainment
to be enjoyed. The qualifying rationalism of the sexual revolution was "as long as nobody gets hurt." Of course,
people did get hurt.
Intimacy is more like art than appetite. Intimacy thrives when we are able completely to trust ourselves to another.
Within a container of fidelity, we can risk to be who we are, vulnerable and without defenses, and create a relationship for
our mutual self-discovery and fruitfulness. Like artists, we can practice intimacy, with the hope of becoming full, loving
human beings.
It seems to me that fidelity is as intrinsic to intimate love as yeast is to bread. Sure, you can make bread without
yeast. But it isn't the same. It isn't as lively and fluffy and expansive. When we completely love another person, we want
that person to completely love us back. Something less than that is, well, something less. Casual sex is always partial,
"not genuinely reciprocal but rather mutually exploitative and, ultimately, mutually self-denigrating. In such an exchange,
each regards his or her own sexual desire as a primary physiological need essentially separable from the deeper psychological
and emotional union that is physically enacted in sexual intercourse. I contend that we cannot split ourselves into parts
like that."
I'm quoting from Catherine Wallace who has written one of my favorite books. We used it one year at St. Paul's as our
Lenten Book study. In her book For Fidelity: How Intimacy and Commitment Enrich our Lives she says: "In the absence
of full confidence in the reliability and seriousness of the commitment between partners, both common sense and psychic self-preservation
will demand a guardedness, a holding back, a tentativeness that impedes the development of full intimacy."
Something wonderful happens when we offer our unshackled expression of sexual desire within the fullest expression of
interpersonal intimacy, when heart and mind and soul unite in a coherent celebration of living. In religion we call such
experiences "holy" and "blessed." Fidelity or faithfulness seem to be necessary containers for such self-giving.
We place our faith in each other and we are blessed. If ever that faith is violated, we feel betrayed indeed. This is vulnerable
ground.
Society and religion have tried to provide a nurturing container for such intimacy in the institution of marriage. Marriage
or mere monogamy doesn't guarantee a healthy and happy relationship, but good marriages don't usually happen without unqualified
commitment and fidelity. Now that we are recognizing that persons of a same-sex orientation have similar aspirations for
intimacy and faithfulness, society and religion are growing to offer a similar nurturing container for their faithful commitment
and blessing. A single high ethic which expects committed fidelity for all in intimate relationships makes sense to me.
Providing corporate support for such commitments is important.
Many of the struggles and tragedies that fill any newspaper's spaces are symptoms of misdirected desires and unhealthy
loves. For our society to become a people capable of compassion and trustworthiness we need to practice those virtues. Is
there a more embodied way to do so than with our sexual expression? I have some hope that any movement away from casual sex
and toward fidelity will not only create happier individuals but also a healthier society.
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